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Fun, Love, Laughter, the joys of being a thirty something newlywed as I fight the battle of the bulge while trying to start a family and build a successful career!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Growing Up 2

Last night I was flicking through some blogs by Single Dad Laughing and I found this one about breaking your child.

I don't normally do this but I'm going to self indulge and share a story from my childhood which this post caused me to remember. And please believe me when i say I'm not allocating blame or wallowing in the past! I just want to share!

***Disclosure - my mum isn't a bad woman, in her own she is really lovely- she just doesn't know how to show it, this story isn't being told to pay her out but to demonstrate how easy it is to emotionally hurt a child and how it affects them in adulthood.***

One rainy day my mum took my younger brother and I to the local department store.  I don't remember exactly how old I was but I think probably somewhere around 7 to 9.  I got separated from my mum and my brother, for ages I looked for them and couldn't find them. On previous occasions I'd heard announcements about other lost kids over the PA so it made sense to me that I should get someone to do the same.  The nice lady in the lingerie section did as I asked and I waited patiently for my mum to arrive, perhaps with a gentle scolding. The minutes ticked over and my mum didn't arrive.  I started to blush with embarassment (which makes me think I was closer to 9) and wish harder and harder that she would come and get me.  Then in the distance, in the make-up section I saw her and my brother. I think they were looking over to where I was standing, but I could tell in her body language that she wasn't coming to get me. So I slunk off to join them, the lingerie lady was busy with something else by then.

I don't know what made my heart sink more - the fact that she didn't come to get me or that no mention of the event was ever made. Most mum's would take their child in their arms, give them a big hug and call them a "silly thing" for wandering off...but no such thing for me.  I think that day a little bit of my heart died.  Those years were really tough - I was struggling with my dad leaving, being one of the only kid's at school whose parents were separated, I was made to join a new class at school and I just wanted my mum to tell me she loved me.  Incidents such as this have made it hard for me to show affection now, to tell people I love them and to believe it when the man tells me he does.  It also means I have to work twice hard to believe it when I tell myself I deserve a healthy, happy life - maybe that's why I self-sabotage!

1 comment:

eenni meeni me said...

dont feel bad Andrea for your feelings towards your mum and childhood as unfortunately not all of us had the best starts in life and sadly the damage it does only reveals itself much later in our lives so never feel bad about yourself because of it. It must be freaking hard to take that the person you loved most in the world did not care enough to even look for you....I am sure though your mum might recall it differently and was maybe trying to teach you something.*hugs*


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