My lovely boyfriend pointed out to me yesterday that almost every time he tells me I'm sexy, beautiful, hot and that wants me - I knock him back or put him down by saying things like "Good On Ya", "As if" ...you get the drift.
This comment and reading posts such as This One by Fat Girl vs the World got me thinking why do I knock him down.
I figure its because I don't believe him, I don't feel worthy of it and I think my comments to him are actually aimed at me..they are more to do with how I feel about me than how I feel about him. Sex is so related to how we feel about ourselves
The funny thing is for years, I let other men - who didn't care two hoots about me - "have it". May be it was easier to deal because they didn't love me I didn't have to let them get close and see the me that I consider worthless and ugly, the fat suit hid all of this! I could be someone else with them, funny, carefree, wild and crazy.
The sad thing is the one who wants to be with me gets the real me - the low self-esteem, the crankiness, the emotional ups and downs, the low sex-drive!
The good thing is - I have identified it and now I can work on loving me so I can love him more too!