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Fun, Love, Laughter, the joys of being a thirty something newlywed as I fight the battle of the bulge while trying to start a family and build a successful career!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Unseasonally Depressed!

I don't know what's going on with me over the last few days but I feel so depressed. I get like this every few months or so and I tend to really centre on questioning my relationship and whether I should still be in it or not.  I get to this stage where I am really miserable in it and I feel that I can't communicate it to him because I said all this stuff the last time it happened and nothing has changed. Please forgive me, readers, for sounding like a mega bitch but if I can't get it off my chest here, well heck, where can I?

Number 1 - Sex - so we haven't had sex in a week and a half mainly because when I've been in the mood its not appropriate or I haven't been in the mood.  I haven't been in the mood since Friday, mainly because all day and night he was hanging shit on me and being a patronising git. I also haven't been enjoying it, I can't remember the last time I had an orgasm that I didn't give myself (I can't remember that either).

I'm over doing it out of wifely duty and when I told him this he said "well you should have told me" and expected me to drop my pants then and there. Now the guilt trips are coming thick and fast which makes my knees stick like glue.

Number 2 - Health - He doesn't take care of himself and this is a biggie for me, who's trying to do the best I can in this area. I don't care that he's not perfect but come on make some effort to improve the health issues that you have!  It really makes me question if I want to breed with this man! And to be honest the thought of having his big belly on top of me or on my back does not make me want to rip his clothes off!! Don't even get me started on how often he brushes his teeth.

Number 3 - Socialising. We went to my cousin's for a BBQ yesterday and while the men were outside he sat next to me inside with all the wives and kids, talking to me only while I was trying to listen to the girly conversation. He even waited outside while I went to the loo and turned into Mr HaveaChat when we got in the car. I'm mortified to think what everyone was saying when we left!

So what is a girl to do!  I think he might have mild depression or anxiety but trying to get him to a doctor will be a massive effort and I really don't know if I can be bothered to put it in. Someone once told me that men only make a change when something big happens and as for myself I keep thinking of that old saying...if you don't like something then change!!

So does that mean I move out? Do we call it a day? My flat is rented out until June, which means I'd have to rent something else until then (and I probably won't be able to have the cats which breaks my heart!). What do I do to make him get it?

PS - I do love him and I don't want to hurt him. But this isn't the life that I want to lead and I don't think I'm strong enough to make the call.

7 comments:

Amanda said...

haha, my word recognition is flattorso :)

I haven't read your blog for long enough to know the full history of your marriage, so I just want to say that I'm thinking of you.

I left an unhappy marriage last year, and while I go through periods of guilt because he still loves me & would take me back tomorrow, the reality is he's done nothing to change the things that made me leave. And he never will (he's an alcoholic....)

I am a much happier person now, and am in a blossoming new relationship that is just.... easy :) And wonderful :) I never thought I would be in a relationship that doesn't just feel like a constant struggle. Yet I am.

Good luck with your decision, but whatever it is, make sure you live 2011 to your fullest potential.

Wanderlust said...

I don't have any answers for you, but I can make up a cozy little bed in a box if you need a place to think it out. :) xo

Lucy said...

I am tapping this out on my 'phone so apologies if this sounds brisk, but I have walked in you shoes and my gut says you need to tell all this to him: tell him what you need . Then if you are still left wanting; move on. If it all feels too
Much like hard work : get out. you are worth more. Xx

Miss Ruby said...

You say you still love him, are you IN love with him though? The two are vastly different.

I think it depends on whether you can see yourself being happy in this relationship at any point in the future?

I've seen a few friends go through something similar in the past year, one stayed, the other left, both are happier than they were.

Sending you courage to follow your heart, it's rarely wrong...

~x~

This Way to Joy said...

Andrea, My heart goes out to you today with this post about your feelings. There is some really great advice in the previous comments, and I'm happy to see these awesome women supporting you.

Lucy suggests that you talk to him, which I agree is wonderful advice. Tell him everything that you feel; what you need, what you want, and you'll see that when you speak from your heart, the confidence will just flow out of you. Miss Ruby tells you to follow your heart, which is so important! I am a big believer in understanding what it is you want out of life, then having the courage to follow your heart to get there. You already do Andrea! You had the courage to post this today! That was huge!

I wish you all the best my friend. I'm thinking of you and, like Andrea said ...... live 2011 to your fullest potential! You will. I know you will. xo, Connie

Lou said...

Hello my darling, I hope you are feeling better... my 2c is this: you have been here before, are you just trying to soldier on hoping that things change? If you speak to him and make him realise how serious the situation is, he is either going to change (and lets be honest, you're hardly hoping he will change who he is, just that he brushes his teeth every now and again) or he's not... ultimatum time baby. I know this may sound harsh, but you aren't a quick to judge / harsh person, so to have gotten to this stage, the problems are large... large enough to be causing you issues.
At the end of the day, you know what a wonderful person you are and how far you have come on this journey - he needs to realise how dam special you are and that he's lucky to have you... and if not - well...
I'm here if you need me, only ever a phone call away! Love you stax and stax.

Lou said...

PS - Just read through your 'long term goals' - can you see him fitting in with these?

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