Unseasonally Depressed!

I don't know what's going on with me over the last few days but I feel so depressed. I get like this every few months or so and I tend to really centre on questioning my relationship and whether I should still be in it or not.  I get to this stage where I am really miserable in it and I feel that I can't communicate it to him because I said all this stuff the last time it happened and nothing has changed. Please forgive me, readers, for sounding like a mega bitch but if I can't get it off my chest here, well heck, where can I?

Number 1 - Sex - so we haven't had sex in a week and a half mainly because when I've been in the mood its not appropriate or I haven't been in the mood.  I haven't been in the mood since Friday, mainly because all day and night he was hanging shit on me and being a patronising git. I also haven't been enjoying it, I can't remember the last time I had an orgasm that I didn't give myself (I can't remember that either).

I'm over doing it out of wifely duty and when I told him this he said "well you should have told me" and expected me to drop my pants then and there. Now the guilt trips are coming thick and fast which makes my knees stick like glue.

Number 2 - Health - He doesn't take care of himself and this is a biggie for me, who's trying to do the best I can in this area. I don't care that he's not perfect but come on make some effort to improve the health issues that you have!  It really makes me question if I want to breed with this man! And to be honest the thought of having his big belly on top of me or on my back does not make me want to rip his clothes off!! Don't even get me started on how often he brushes his teeth.

Number 3 - Socialising. We went to my cousin's for a BBQ yesterday and while the men were outside he sat next to me inside with all the wives and kids, talking to me only while I was trying to listen to the girly conversation. He even waited outside while I went to the loo and turned into Mr HaveaChat when we got in the car. I'm mortified to think what everyone was saying when we left!

So what is a girl to do!  I think he might have mild depression or anxiety but trying to get him to a doctor will be a massive effort and I really don't know if I can be bothered to put it in. Someone once told me that men only make a change when something big happens and as for myself I keep thinking of that old saying...if you don't like something then change!!

So does that mean I move out? Do we call it a day? My flat is rented out until June, which means I'd have to rent something else until then (and I probably won't be able to have the cats which breaks my heart!). What do I do to make him get it?

PS - I do love him and I don't want to hurt him. But this isn't the life that I want to lead and I don't think I'm strong enough to make the call.

Sex and Loving Yourself

My lovely boyfriend pointed out to me yesterday that almost every time he tells me I'm sexy, beautiful, hot and that wants me - I knock him back or put him down by saying things like "Good On Ya", "As if" ...you get the drift.


This comment and reading posts such as This One by Fat Girl vs the World got me thinking why do I knock him down.

I figure its because I don't believe him, I don't feel worthy of it and I think my comments to him are actually aimed at me..they are more to do with how I feel about me than how I feel about him. Sex is so related to how we feel about ourselves

The funny thing is for years, I let other men - who didn't care two hoots about me - "have it". May be it was easier to deal because they didn't love me I didn't have to let them get close and see the me that I consider worthless and ugly, the fat suit hid all of this! I could be someone else with them, funny, carefree, wild and crazy.

The sad thing is the one who wants to be with me gets the real me - the low self-esteem, the crankiness, the emotional ups and downs, the low sex-drive!

The good thing is - I have identified it and now I can work on loving me so I can love him more too!

Blah!

I feel blah tonight! Major issues this morning with Lovely (but not at that moment) Boyfriend this morning - I feel like his mother and I don't know how to get him to take me seriously without cracking the shits! Still have a hangover from that. I just want to curl with with the tv, a bottle of wine and peanut butter on toast!

PS - Not hormones this time, its issues, I got the hormone thing under control!

Living It Up and it Showed!

Hi Guys, 

I have been living it up this week, with a fair bit of socialising due to boyfriend's birthday and it showed with a tiny .3 gain. Had a great chat to my leader, Brian, he's so good and I left feeling not too worried as it could have been worse, I know I could have avoided it with some exercise but I have owned it and now work on making up for it this week! No eggs please Mr Bunny!

Yesterday, I felt a bit bad for my beloved as we went shopping for some new clothes for him and he's gained a little bit around the belly and wants to buy those nice fitted shirts.  He went through that feeling I know all to well, finding something he loved at the right price only to find he couldn't do it up!  I can tell you though I never (outwardly) get as stroppy as he did! I just left him in peace and went looking at dream outfits instead - much more fun ;-)