Running Your Own Race!

You must be hiding under a rock if you didn't realise that the Melbourne Cup was run yesterday.

All this focus on which horse would win got me to thinking about the weight loss race.

I know a lot of you will jump in and say "Andrea., its not a race, it takes how ever long it takes" or something along those and I TOTALLY agree.

I use the 'race' metaphor as I have made a couple of observations in, both, my own behaviour and that of others while on this journey. 

1. There is a tendency for people to lose weight for an occasion eg a wedding, holiday etc.
2. There is a tendency for people to want to lose weight as quickly as everyone else (I am terribly guilty of this one and am hard on myself for only losing 10.9 kgs in 30-something weeks of ww while other people have lost 20 and 30 kgs plus).

I started thinking about horses and horse racing and why they wear blinkers (yeah, I know its a little bit of a jump)?? So I looked it up and wikianswers told me that:

Horses wear blinkers because if something suddenly appears in there field of vision, their first response is to flee. When you are riding or using a horse for transportation in a public or otherwise noisy and distraction place, these are very useful, to keep your horse calm.

Well, my first response when something suddenly appears on my radar is to eat!

Wouldn't it be great, if we could have some sort of blinkers to keep us focused and on track?  Let alone a jockey on our back telling us to go faster!! Hang on a minute...I am carrying a jockey around - well at least the weight one!!

Hope you all had a great day and don't mind my babble too much!!

Ten Things I Hate About Being Fat!

1. Not being able to slide through tight spaces in a crowded restaurant.

2. Shopping with regular sized girlfriends (I don't want to take them to the fat girl shops).

3. Thighs rubbing together.

4. Feeling guilty for having a treat (you know the looks we get!)

5. Stupid comments from bogans in cars while exercising (At least I'm doing something about it - losers!)

6. The fact that nothing looks sexy in a size 22 (the more lace the worse it looks!)

7.  Feeling that I never really fit in/being an outsider

8.  Worrying that I am going to be able to fit in a seat (I try to sit next to skinny people on the bus, no way two fatties can sit comfortably on those seats!)

9.  Feeling that my success as a person is measured first by my weight.


10.  Feeling like a failure when I hear of people losing weight faster than me!

What do you hate about being fat??

Putting It Out There!

After my last post I came to the realisation that I currently need to focus on one thing at a time and decided that that one thing at the moment, should be uni because I have a few assignments due in the next few weeks and a trip to New Zealand in the middle of it.

I had applied for a few roles last week (Communication and PR) and with one I took a chance and wrote a fantastically creative cover letter.

Low and behold I received a phone call today inviting me to an interview for that very role on Monday!!

I am stoked!

I am shitting myself!!

But you know what most of all I'm proud! I'm proud of putting myself out there, of getting the ball rolling and the energy happening!!

And things are happening!!

On my walk after work today I saw a slightly weird looking couple, its a crazy neighborhood where I walk (Valley for you Brisbanites) but I smiled at them anyway.  The man called me over, I thought to ask directions..but this is what he said...

"You look like a really great girl, you look someone who is going to make things happening and you should go hard!!"

I was stunned, but I said Thanks and told him he'd really made my day!!

Some people may think he's crazy (he certainly looked it), but I think.....

What if he's right???

I Feel Scared!

I feel scared today! I don't know like something bad's going to happen and I'm hoping that by writing about a few things that scare me will get that feeling to go away.

What scares me:

1. Noises in the night - lovely boyfriend works nights so I am home alone with the cats a lot and as I'm dozing off to sleep every creak sounds like someone trying to get into the house.

2. Changing careers - I really want a career change, I've nearly finished my Communications Degree and want to get into Internal Communication and/or Community Engagement and am not sure how! (I forgot to mention that I work in recruitment now - so you'd think I'd know!)

3. Being Successful - because I don't know how to be. Especially at this weight loss thing - I've been fat for so long I have know idea how a slim person acts and thinks.

4. Losing myself - I used to be so outgoing, fun and interesting and now I think I'm boring. But when I think to back to when I thought I was fun and interesting that was when I was mainly drunk and abusing myself!

Whew - bit deep xx

Postscript

After writing that letter last night I did a lot of reflecting and that old bag "self-doubt" and her bitchy friend "self-criticism" started to try and worm their way in.


They started to try and remind me of the mistakes I have made, of times when I haven't treated myself well and times I didn't behaved in ways that make me proud. They tried to make me question if I really can change and be the person I want to be!


Why do we do that to ourselves?  How do we deal with those cows?


 I only want the beautiful 'self-confidence' and 'self-love' in my life, I want only them pushing me forward, encouraging me to treat myself right and guiding me away from the evil ones mentioned above.


I worked through it by embracing those thoughts and telling myself that time when I wasn't doing the right thing was because I was still learning about life, about myself and getting some things out of my system.  I tell myself that I have learnt from it and while those days are part of who I am, they are the dirt beneath the foundation....now I am building that foundation, putting the posts in place and cementing over the top of the crap.  Slowly and surely I am building a beautiful home for my soul and I can't wait to decorate it!!


How do you deal with those evil little bugs that try to undermine your good work?


PS - Weigh-in update - stayed the same this week :-)

Dear Andrea (A Letter to Myself)

Dear Andrea,

This letter is to tell you that I am so proud of you! Your mind and body are so strong and you have proved that you can make changes in order improve your health, attitude and emotional state.

I know you are feeling frustrated career wise at the moment, but remember you are an intelligent and wonderful human being and you really must back yourself and believe that you can make a change.

You know your favorite saying is "Whatever decision you make will turn out for the best, because you make sure they do" and I think this is the time to really start making decisions about what is best for you over the next couple of years.

Every day you tell yourself to write down the reasons for the healthy changes your are making, so come on what are they?

Ok I'll tell you......

1. Your health
2. To be healthy and energetic
3. To start a family
4. For a better attitude and mental state
5. So you can buy nice clothes

And most important of all....so your outside matches your beautiful inside!

My darling, you deserve the best in life and not to miss out on ANYTHING! This is your chance now to embrace the momentum you have created and carve yourself the most beautiful life, full of friends, family, love and laughter.

Go forth my girl and show yourself what you're made of!!

Love always,
You xx


PS - You will be HOT!!!

Realisation

I had a realisation today...not quite an epiphany but a definite realisation of how hard all this weight I'm carrying around is making my life!

We had another glorious morning here and I met my girlfriend and her baby at our local markets for brekky and a catch up.  Baby got restless in the pram and mum wanted to shop so yours truly offered to carry her for a bit!

Whoa it didn't take long for her to get heavy (you mumma's are probably laughing now) and when I asked how much baby weighs, her mum said 8.5 kilos...this is where it hit me!!

Weight for it (sorry about the pun!)

"Sh*t, F*ck" I thought - "That's less than I have lost, and its taken me less than 20 minutes to get over hanging onto it" (no offence baby). Then it really put into prespective that I still have about 40 kilos to get rid of - that's over 4 and half babies of the same size!

My life is going to be AMAZING and so much EASIER then!

I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

Sex and Loving Yourself

My lovely boyfriend pointed out to me yesterday that almost every time he tells me I'm sexy, beautiful, hot and that wants me - I knock him back or put him down by saying things like "Good On Ya", "As if" ...you get the drift.


This comment and reading posts such as This One by Fat Girl vs the World got me thinking why do I knock him down.

I figure its because I don't believe him, I don't feel worthy of it and I think my comments to him are actually aimed at me..they are more to do with how I feel about me than how I feel about him. Sex is so related to how we feel about ourselves

The funny thing is for years, I let other men - who didn't care two hoots about me - "have it". May be it was easier to deal because they didn't love me I didn't have to let them get close and see the me that I consider worthless and ugly, the fat suit hid all of this! I could be someone else with them, funny, carefree, wild and crazy.

The sad thing is the one who wants to be with me gets the real me - the low self-esteem, the crankiness, the emotional ups and downs, the low sex-drive!

The good thing is - I have identified it and now I can work on loving me so I can love him more too!

The whole shack shimmied!!

It has no relation to my post, by Love Shack by the B52's is on the radio and I love that line it!

Lots of random thoughts today...I don't know where to start.

Weigh-in tonight - not sure how I'll go. I'm definitely toning, but I haven't stuck to points once this week but have walked 6.5kms twice this week and even manged to sneak a couple of short running bursts in there. I'm officially addicted to it now (even went without my buddy last night)- I've come a long way from the lack of motivation I had a few weeks ago.

Finding it hard to not have a vino or too when I get home from work....its nice hanging out in our new space chatting and cooking and making it ours.

Still working on the mental side of things. I've noticed that I don't compare myself to models or actresses that much, but I do compare myself to people I know who I think are "normal" sized - especially when I'm the only fat one in group photos. Oh well not for long!

Oh yeah I almost forgot - Today I am wearing the dress that prompted this wonderful process - In Feb it was too tight and gave me the kick up the kiester I needed - today it is positively baggy ;-)

What are you guys thinking about today?

Mind Body and Soul

I have been using this peaceful, quiet Sunday morning to undertake some inner reflection and consider the mental blockages that might be limiting my weight loss and self love efforts.

I know I have issues.

I know my weight is a security blanket, protecting me from getting too close and therefore getting hurt.

I struggle to visualise myself being slim, I struggle to believe that I deserve it, I struggle to even like myself.

It doesn't just affect my health, but my relationships too!

I'm thinking about enlisting some professional help - therapy, kinesiology or something like that.

Has anyone given things like this a go? What are your thoughts?

Thank You

Hi All,

Thank you so much for your lovely, supportive comments on my last post. I was a bit unsure about posting it because it was a bit raw.

Your feedback made me realise that my thought patterns really have started to change and I don't feel so much like that anymore.

My body is amazing and all I have to do is point it in the right direction, feed it clean fuel, make sure it moves regularly, gets a good clean out now & then and show it some love and attention.....I think up until now I've treated my car better than my body!

I'm sure you'll all agree that the mental part of this trip is the hardest and so many things try to steer of us course...what are your tips for staying mentally strong?

Dear Body Of Mine (Warning Emotional Stuff Ahead)!

I was looking for some old documents during the week and came across a file from when I was volunteering a Case Study for a Psych Student. The file contained bits and bobs she had me do as homework and I came across this letter to myself. I thought it might be cathartic to put it here and start putting together a new one. (Circa 2006)

Dear Body of Mine,

I would like to apologise to you for the way I have treated and spoken to you over the years. I really haven't shown you a lot of respect at all and YOU have stuck by me through thick and thin. I haven't really fed you nutritious food and made sure you get plenty of exercise.  I've pumped you full of alcohol, junk food and sometimes drugs, you've held up extremely well.  I've put you in some life threatening situations and let other people use you for their pleasure. And all the while I spoke to you terribly, told you I hated you and compared you to the uncomparable.  I've blamed you for my own failings...like not being able to find a relationship.  But YOU really are amazing and have looked after me when I have needed you to. I would like to say that I promise to look after you, treat and speak to you with the love and respect that you deserve, I may slip up sometimes, but I promise to do my best.

Love Andrea

Back to Work Blues

Well it's Monday night of a long weekend and I have a bad case of the back to work blues.  I am thinking that it might be tiem for a change. I've been with the company for nearly 4 years but only in my current role for 5 months but not really enjoying it, I feel really micro-managed, not really challenged.

I had a really nice day with my family at the Sunshine Coast today and its made me think about this stuff even more.

I've almost finished a Communications Degree and think it might be a good idea to start putting it to use, but I don't know! I hesitate because I'm used to a certain salary and am keen to improve that fairly quickly. I'm also leaning towards government jobs for the benefits (paid mat leave etc).

When I look at it honestly, I'm too comfortable! And I'm scared! Scared of putting myself up for people to judge, scared of being told no, maybe I'm scared of being successful too?

Hormone Hell Over!

Andrea is pleased to announce that the world is a much nicer place today! I seem to be over that little hormone hiccup - that's what I'm putting it down to anyway - I checked my pill packet and I seem to have these spack attacks at the same point every month, I started on a new a few months ago so back to the doc to see if we can sort it out!

It was well worth the window shopping yesterday as I spotted a few things that I can use a rewards for reaching various goals (hopefully getting one this Thursday, but doubt it as I have been slack on the exercise front).  And I took myself on a date to Date Night, it was ok made me smile, cute ending, some of the jokes are really dumb though!  Mark Wahlberg is hot and a definite highlight as everytime we see him he is shirtless!! Yum!

I think my laptop is screwed! most of the keyboard isn't working - thank god lovely bf (yes he's lovely again) is ok with me using his!

Until next time, good luck and may the fat fighting force be with you!!

Andrea

PS - I forgot to mention that I'm wrapped with 12 followers - especially given I've only been blogging 2 and half weeks.

WTF is Wrong With Me!

Well ladies, I'm pleased to report that I recovered nicely from the damage to my eating plan last week and secured a 0.5kg loss which spurred me on. I put it down to the increased exercise and smart food choices later in the week.

I know I should be happy but the last few days I've felt like I'm on a huge emotional roller coaster and I don't know how to get off. Up and down all the time, my poor boyfriend doesn't know if I'm coming or going and I don't know if I can change.  I had an awful moment of panic this week which I think triggered it all, a work friend got married yesterday and another colleague said to her if her gut's telling her not to do it then don't do it - that comment really rammed home and I felt my stomach lurch!  I know bf wants to get married and have kids and given my age it will need to happen fairly soon but at that moment my gut said a big huge resounding NO!  I just don't know that I love him the same way he loves me and I find the smallest reasons to get cranky with him. He does his best to change but I think it's me who needs to and I just don't know how to, or if I even care to!

I hate that old cliche "I love him, but I'm not IN love with him" but it perfectly explains how I feel. I feel like we are an old couple that are just companions for each other. We both blame his job, he's a Baker which means we hardly see each other and when we do we're always tired.  I hate going to things on my own and have started to feel guilty when I do.  I spend most of the weekend on my own, so I think too much (which is not a good thing). I feel like I don't want to impose on friends because they are having their couple and family time.  We have no shared goals and I feel like we're moving in completely different directions. I try to ask him what he wants to achieve in life and what his ultimate things to do are - but he just says nothing. whereas I'm always thinking what experiences I can have! 

Last night I spilt wine on my laptop and some of the keys aren't working (I'm using his now), I was annoyed but ok. He came home, early for once but just watched tv and then played iphone games in bed unintentionally ignoring me and it just sent me off in a wave of tears.  I went on this spiral of thoughts, what an idiot for wrecking my computer, I'm a horrible girlfriend because I ride him all the time to do stuff, I'm a horrible daughter  (I'm not ready to go down that road) and a terrible friend because I've lost contact with so many good people and some I have not treated right along the way, which has resulted in me being so alone!

Anyway this has been happening once a month for the last few months, one minute I'm making plans for a life on my own and the next I'm making them for our life together.  Maybe I need professional help!

Growing Up

 I had a pretty normal childhood, we moved to Tasmania from NZ in 1977 and I started school in 1980 (whoa that's 30 years ago!).  My dad started having an affair not long after we arrived (I have since worked out) and my parents eventually split in about 1982/3.  I'm giving you the years, because in our conservative little corner of Tasmania divorce and separation were virtually unheard of and I'm trying to describe the stigma attached to it.  At first they told us, Dad was going on a holiday to Queensland and I think I might have been aware of a girl friend, but not enough to ask if she was going too.  I was pretty young so got on with the job of being a kid.  I think I first became aware of the gravity of it all when my mum sent me on a sunday school girls camp - or something like that.  I was the youngest by a couple of years and the older girls cornered me as I was coming out of the toilet and made me tell them that my parents were separated. I will never forget the ring leaders name and hated her from that day forward.  I will also never forget the day at High School when I heard her parents were splitting up too.  I didn't feel joy and I definitely didn't feel sad for her I think I felt a quiet satisfaction with how the world worked out that day.

My mum was a teacher at my school, in fact I was in her class in Grade Three, the year they split and something that sticks with me was the school's decision to move me into the other Grade 4 class the following year.  The school's normal policy was that you stayed in th same class until grade 6 where they mixed you up so you could ready for High School.  I'll never forget the heart wrench and the tears that fell when I saw the letter on the last day of Grade 3 confirming I'll be leaving all my friends and the only stable thing I had going on was pulled from under me.  Looking back now, part of me thinks for god's sake it's just up the corridor, but another part of me wonders WHAT THE HELL WERE THOSE ADULTS THINKING??? They should have moved her! Even writing this now, stirs up all those childish emotions and makes me realise that this was when I began to realise the world was not always a friendly place!

The Blog Formerly Known as "I Will Be Hot"

Hi All,

Yes I've had a name change, after just two days of "Iwillbehot" I decided to change my blog name to something that is more reflective of what I hope blogging will come to mean to me. 

I've been reading through different blogs and have been inspired by blogs such as "I'm Just Linda" to use this medium to really share, to get deep and dirty and really work through the issues and crap that have led me to this state. 

At my last meeting, one member (who'd lost 26 kgs) said she has just realised how shut down she was. That comment really hit home.

I'm known for being bright and bubbly, always happy, have a drink and make others feel good about themselves.  And it's true I do coast along in life, I seemingly don't let things get to me and her comment made me realise that I actually do!  I do feel deeply and there is a majorly sensitive side to me, I poke fun at myself and eat and drink to hide my feelings and I have created this fat suit as a layer of  self-protection. Protection against people not liking me, not wanting me or leaving me - I can always say "It's because I'm fat" and avoid the possibility that (god forbid) we just don't click (just to clarify I don't just mean in the romantic sense) or that it's just the way life works out and their decision, words or actions had (shock horror) nothing to do with me!

PS - I just posted and removed my (Before) but took it down - I don't want to look at myself like that!!  Come on Freud what does that say?