WTF is Wrong With Me!

Well ladies, I'm pleased to report that I recovered nicely from the damage to my eating plan last week and secured a 0.5kg loss which spurred me on. I put it down to the increased exercise and smart food choices later in the week.

I know I should be happy but the last few days I've felt like I'm on a huge emotional roller coaster and I don't know how to get off. Up and down all the time, my poor boyfriend doesn't know if I'm coming or going and I don't know if I can change.  I had an awful moment of panic this week which I think triggered it all, a work friend got married yesterday and another colleague said to her if her gut's telling her not to do it then don't do it - that comment really rammed home and I felt my stomach lurch!  I know bf wants to get married and have kids and given my age it will need to happen fairly soon but at that moment my gut said a big huge resounding NO!  I just don't know that I love him the same way he loves me and I find the smallest reasons to get cranky with him. He does his best to change but I think it's me who needs to and I just don't know how to, or if I even care to!

I hate that old cliche "I love him, but I'm not IN love with him" but it perfectly explains how I feel. I feel like we are an old couple that are just companions for each other. We both blame his job, he's a Baker which means we hardly see each other and when we do we're always tired.  I hate going to things on my own and have started to feel guilty when I do.  I spend most of the weekend on my own, so I think too much (which is not a good thing). I feel like I don't want to impose on friends because they are having their couple and family time.  We have no shared goals and I feel like we're moving in completely different directions. I try to ask him what he wants to achieve in life and what his ultimate things to do are - but he just says nothing. whereas I'm always thinking what experiences I can have! 

Last night I spilt wine on my laptop and some of the keys aren't working (I'm using his now), I was annoyed but ok. He came home, early for once but just watched tv and then played iphone games in bed unintentionally ignoring me and it just sent me off in a wave of tears.  I went on this spiral of thoughts, what an idiot for wrecking my computer, I'm a horrible girlfriend because I ride him all the time to do stuff, I'm a horrible daughter  (I'm not ready to go down that road) and a terrible friend because I've lost contact with so many good people and some I have not treated right along the way, which has resulted in me being so alone!

Anyway this has been happening once a month for the last few months, one minute I'm making plans for a life on my own and the next I'm making them for our life together.  Maybe I need professional help!